I wouldn’t call myself a hoarder. But I do a terrible job of trashing things. I hold onto old things, broken things, things that make me feel bad, things that remind me of the past, things I’m never quite ready to let go. It’s amazing, really, how much I carried with me when I crossed the country a year ago.

Well, starting today, I’m putting an end to that! I’m hoping that I can find the same immediate satisfaction that I get throwing a bulging trashbag  into the dumpster while I work on my emotional decluttering.

This week’s progress:

Emotional:

1) Start writing again. 

2) Delete songs from itunes that remind me of anything I don’t want to remember

Random Crap: I threw away more but didn’t think pictures of trash bags would be appealing to anyone. 

Next Week: Donations for Goodwill. Should be a big load. 

old nail polish I can't open on my own, mag with too perfect Jessica Biel, old jewelry, ice cream I shouldn't eat, a used-up candle, and some letters I really don't want to read again

Today’s commentary by:
Dave Whitehead, Senior Pastor, GraceNYC.org

Excerpt from http://www.thedailybibleverse.org

I’ll attempt to explain why I think this is so terrifying to me. This dream– this moment I have been forced to relive–is not really a summation of things I’m afraid of.  It’s the representation of everything I have to lose.

I’m at this point in my life where I can afford to make big plans. I can take risks, I can travel, I can put myself first.  It’s overwhelming to think that I could be on the brink of realizing so many things I’ve been dreaming of since I was young. Another big component to this is who I choose to share it with.

This may sound dramatic, but lately I’ve been thinking how much this will shape my life. If I choose the wrong person (subjective) I may be setting aside village life in Africa (hypothetical) for a life in the shadows of his success (or of his barn). At this point that sounds horrifying. I have faith that if I follow God my life will be much more than I have ever imagined. And that may not even mean wild world travels and a life of huts and safaris….but at this point I can keep dreaming for all of that, right?

What is at risk in adventure makes me want to delete the relationship department for an independent avenue, because at least I know I can control that.

Side note: farm life has never scared or irritated me until recently. Must be the apron and boiling potatoes.

Intuition? Recognition? Ammunition?

You put up walls and paint them all a shade of grey

And I stood there loving you and wished them all away

And you come away with a great little story

Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you

Now that I’m sitting here thinking it through,
I’ve never been anywhere cold as you.

I’ve practically been begging for it. But what is it, anyway? Love, acceptance, heartbreak? I wouldn’t know love at first sight, but I know when something is made for me. So what is this time? Is my intuition off? Because I’ve been practically begging you to accept free love. Free. Love. Who would say no to that?

You would.

God made me to give. But if the one I am offering to give to won’t hold out his hands and accept what lesson am I to learn?

This is the trouble with boys. Girls just want to give their love, and in return be loved and handled with care.

There are so many adoring, innocent, giving, perfect girls out there who just want somebody to take care of. They just want to make an offer without a skeptical eye. They want to love without being scolded. But where are the boys to accept?

I really should be more vague. I really shouldn’t talk about things this directly. But you wouldn’t get it either way.

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings

I’m going through a huge change. And it’s been a tough adjustment. I haven’t even had much time to consider the impact it has had on me. Left alone with my thoughts, I wonder, am I happy here? Kind of. Will I ever be happy here? Maybe. Do I have to be happy here?

Happiness is fleeting, as is acceptance–thus my struggle. I’m dangling off one end of the mobile of life, while the other parts of the mobile bounce up and down and keep adding more weight to their side, throwing me totally off balance.

I was okay with the chaos. I could accept the swinging ups and downs. But there is no calm in sight. The mobile canot find balance because I, alone, am on my side.

I struggle with acceptance. Not because I have to be everyone’s favorite Miss Popular. But because I need love. I am like the plant in your living room. Set me in the corner, and I will droop in the darkness. Give me the warmth of the sun and I will loyally stand tall for ages. Water me, watch me grow. I know that seems simplistic, but it’s true.

Most of my life I have felt like an outsider, trying to fit in. The thing is though, I’m not good at “fitting.” So I go for the camouflage, trying to look like the others. But once I find a camo I am comfortable in, it’s already out of style, and I’m out again.

I’m a bagel on a plate full of onion rolls! – Fanny Brice, Funny Girl

I always loved the movie Funny Girl because I often feel like I’m in her shoes. I think I’m likeable, I know I can entertain and make people laugh. But I look so different from everything else out there right now. “I’m a bagel on a plate full of onion rolls! Nobody recognizes me!” I am only comfortable being myself, and I know I am the way I am for a purpose. But unlike Fanny, my purpose isn’t to entertain. So what is it?

Romans 12:4 Just as our bodies have many parts and each part has a special function, so it is with Christ’s body. We are all parts of his one body, and each of us has different work to do. And since we are all one body in Christ, we belong to each other, and each of us needs all the others.

The thing about acceptance is, it really shouldn’t matter. Whether people want you or not, you still exist. God still needs you to do his work. But the verse doesn’t stop at individual empowerment, it says “we belong to each other.” This is why when we reject each other, from our own one body, it hurts so badly. We feel as if we are turned away from something we thought we belonged to.

This week is National Suicide Prevention week. It has really made me think about loving people. Genuine love. Honestly, I’m not that good at it. I mean, I can love my friends and family, really love them. But can I love people who I don’t think are lovable? What about people who don’t love me? It’s sure a lot easier to love someone who is loving you back.

Romans 12:9 Don’t just pretend that you love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Stand on the side of the good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.

I’m a terrible example of a Christian. I’m not like Christ at all. The whores, lepers, skeeze-balls, I turn them away. Christ welcomed them with open arms. And sometimes I can’t even show love to someone I know loves me because I don’t want to be vulnerable. I’m so selfish. I withhold love to look out for myself, because I’m afraid I won’t be accepted.

As this week has passed and I dwell on my own issues with acceptance and love, I am so thankful that I have a hard shell. If I were a turtle, you could run me over  a dozen times before seeing a crack. But what about the others? What about the weaker parts of the body who have no one to turn to? It has been weighing on my heart that if my strong will can become so down-trodden over acceptance than others have to be in a much worse place than I. I have my family and closest friends to turn to in times like these. I have a Skype-support system. What happens to those who don’t?

We really have to try harder. I have to try harder. I have to love people who aren’t lovable. They are still parts of the body, and I need them here. I cannot function as every part of the body. The body cannot function without every part. We belong to each other. It’s beautiful and terrifying when you think about how connected that makes us, and how much responsibility that gives us.

I know I’ve been scattered tonight, but if you read it out loud, or pretend that I am, it makes sense. I just need to work on myself. I can’t keep thinking camo is the answer. And every time I want to wallow in being an outsider, I must instead set my heart on prayers for those who are doing much worse. I have to assume my position in Christ’s body, and love others into theirs.

Romans 12:2 Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do, and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect his will really is.

*****Next day addition:

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. –Mother Teresa

She was a wise, and godly, lady.

Maybe I followed the rules so well that I never even thought about what the rules meant.

What if I fall in love with someone who doesn’t meet my book criteria?

That’s a loaded question, huh…

Is it possible that I could rule out the “one”  on my own standards?

Lately, I think I’ve gotten so caught up in the Fairytale that I think will ensue from always doing the “right” thing that I never really stopped to ask God what the right thing really was.
And how am I going to get answers if I never ask questions!?

My heart is heavy with the thought that I could keep myself from loving because I am consumed with judgment. I could be waiting for my right time, my ideals, and my version of the perfect man, while true love passes me by.

Do you feel things for people because you’re supposed to? Or just because you do?

I’m struggling. This situation is looking predictably unrequited. But will that all be because of me? It has been in the past. Will these regrets ever transform into blessings the moment I realize it was all to get to Mr. Perfect? Or am I bypassing him with my eyes and mind closed?

I never really stopped to examine myself. What if these guys aren’t the massive failures and I’m the one to blame?

A tough pill to swallow.

And my friends were like “Whatever,
you’ll find someone better,
his eyes are way too close together
and we never even liked him from the start.
And now he’s with that tart,

and I heard she’d done some really nasty stuff
down in the park with Michael.
He said she’s easy
and if your guys with someone that’s sleazy
then he ain’t worth your time
cause you deserve a real nice guy”

“We Get On”– Kate Nash

I love Kate Nash. She can explain the world of dating with a song. And she’s British, so she uses words like “tart” which sound much nicer than the American replacements.